Flirting Without Speaking, Part 8

Last article, I went over the powerful effect of touch, and it’s importance while flirting. In this article, I’ll go over how vocal signals are also a major part of nonverbal flirting too.

Hold on… how is this nonverbal, if it relates to the voice? Despite that, it doesn’t relate to the words you are using. Rather, it deals with the INFLECTION you use while speaking.

The distinction is important. Much of your first impression is based on HOW you say something, versus a small amount of it being based on WHAT you say. It’s drastically more important.

With that regard, it’s important to be able to read her vocal signals too. It’s quite possibly the stronger interest indicator we have, yet most people disregard this.

Let’s look at this – take a simple word, like “hello”. Now think of the different ways to say “hello”, in terms of inflection. You can say it in a manner of surprise, if you weren’t expecting to see that person wherever you are.

More importantly, you can say it in a manner that indicates interest. If you say hello in a drawn out manner, with a rising intonation at the end, think about what it says. Try it.

It can show you are interested. Now think about this. It will also show you if SHE is interested. She might say it in a flat, monotone voice. That’s not good. But if she smiles brightly and says hello, it generally is a positive thing.

Remember, always look for other signs to gauge this against. She might have a monotone voice or be somewhat of an unemotional person, so her intonation will come across as flat. She might also have a vibrant personality, and be overly friendly, so her response might not be what it seems. The best method of judging this is by watching how she reacts to others.

So what is with intonation? How does this work? The key to this is to read between the lines. It will become apparent after that. Hello can mean “You are insanely beautiful.” It can also mean “Get away, creep.” Look objectively and you’ll see what I mean.

Try practicing with a buddy. Take the word “yeah”, and try to make it mean as many things as possible. The general idea is to spot the inflection as it’s being spoken.

As well, you should take some time to examine your own voice. If you are monotone, work on becoming more lively with your voice. Do this by changing pace, the pitch, and the tone. It will improve how people view you almost IMMEDIATELY.

Your volume is important too. I you are too quiet, you will come across as a bit submissive and worse, frustrating to the listener, who might have to ask you to speak up.

But be sure to temper it. I’m sure you’ve dealt with a very loud person who had a pitch that was everywhere. They are obnoxious, and far worse than being monotone.

The idea is to balance all the parts correctly. This takes a bit of effort, but it is well worth it.

Another key element to remember is the use of intonation to allow a turn change. This is an important verbal cue that is forgotten more often than not.

If there is a rise or fall in the intonation by the other person, it is generally used to indicate that the person is done speaking and wishes the other person to speak.

Conversely, if you do the same, she might be expecting that you have finished speaking, and it is her turn.

Not heeding these signals can lead to bumpy conversations, even irritating enough to end them.

Again, with this, practice! Hold conversations with friends, and watch the conversations of others with an eye towards these cues.

It takes time, but you will eventually learn how to use your voice as a powerful instrument of success!

This is the last of the single articles on nonverbal flirting. Coming up, I’ll write some about verbal flirting, and putting all the pieces together, so keep reading!

Silent Flirting: What Your Body Language Is Saying About You, Part 4

In continuing with the series on flirting, here’s the next article on an often forgotten aspect of flirting – the gestures you use!

Generally, people focus on what they are saying, or will say, rather than pay attention to what is happening around them.

And that often leads to a blown attempt at a pick up!

So what part do our gestures play?

They go hand in hand with our posture, and are sending non verbal messages to the person we are focusing on. They show our interest in the other person, and likewise will show us if it’s being reciprocated.

It also ties in with our energy levels – it’s the way we put energy into the conversation. If you are lively, you will likely be more animated in your gestures than if you are preoccupied.

In this way, gestures (and the accompanying energy level) can be both a curse and a blessing. Poor energy, low level gestures can betray the words we speak. High energy, lively gestures are infectuous!

It’s a do or don’t situation. Either way, if you don’t decide on what gestures to use, your mind will go ahead and do it for you. You can naturally get into a groove, but if you DON’T, then you have to change that yourself.

So what gestures can we learn to use that will come off as natural and spontaneous? That’s a great question.

Watch two people in deep rapport. They’ll maneuver with their hands at the end of the sentence, sometimes with a point. They’ll tilt their heads, or nod in agreement.

These are all great gestures! The main thing with these is that they will occur naturally when you get into rapport with another person.

There are many gestures you’ll notice if you watch, but for now let’s pay attention to the simplest of them – the nod. It may seem like nothing, but it is a tremendous conversation regulator! Master it and you will find it an effective method of gaining rapport as well.

The key is to use single quick nods, for the most part. They will be helpful in keeping someone talking to you.

Other nods are helpful in different ways, and some have the effect of interrupting the flow of the conversation. A quick double nod will speed up the conversation, while a triple nod or slow single nod will more than likely interrupt it. Keep away from those for most part.

Other gestures to watch for are nervous type gestures, such as hand clasping or wringing. Palm rubbing fits in this category. Again, they are infectuous; the other person might become anxious as well.

A controllable part of this trait is the DIRECTION which you point your hands. Poiting towards yourself heightens the nervousness. Pointing away from yourself actually shows confidence! You can guess which is better.

Make an effort to start using gestures that point outward. Over time they will become habit. As well, watch the gestures of the person you are flirting with – they are great indicators, and by having a stronger presence, you can actually put someone at ease with your gestures!

Another VERY powerful technique is to slowly synchronize your gestures with the person you are flirting with. Now, if things just naturally go right, it will probably happen anyhow, but by actually attempting to get into the flow, you are going to build a greater rapport than ANY words could possibly build!

This type of synchronization will allow you to take a nervous, awkward conversation and turn it around very quickly.

When it does happen, it’s a sign of comfort. And from there, you can move on in your advances.

Take the time to master these techniques – they are extraordinarily powerful.

In the coming article, I’ll show you how your facial expressions have a tremendous effect on your flirting!

Non Verbal Flirting, Part 5

I wrote about how gestures function in the role of flirting in the last article of this series.

This time I’ll talk about your facial expressions and how they fit into your strategy.

Now when most people think of facial expressions they usually conjure up images of Jim Carrey making a silly face, or some other comedian perhaps.

Believe it or not, the facial expressions we display take on a powerful role in what we signal to the other person. And conversely, how they see us as well!

Understand the importance here – the look on your face can be very off putting, and it will have NOTHING to do with your actual looks. If you scowl naturally, or come across as “expressionless”, you can scare others away.

It’s always a good idea to take time to understand yourself. Look in the mirror. Get a handle on your natural expressions, and see how those can be of advantage (or disadvantage) to you.

For now though, let’s take a look at some facial expressions that are akin to the gestures I wrote about in the last article.

A well known expression is the eyebrow raise. It’s used to acknowledge another person from across a room, particularly when they can’t say hello.

Now, you can try this with a stranger. The idea would be to create some confusion, because this person will be wondering exactly who you are.

It creates an opportunity to enter into conversation, but beware. It can backfire and end things before you can even begin.

If the person you do this with finds you attractive, it generally will work, however. It will probably be evident in their facial expression.

The big issue here, and one that most men run into, is that facial expressions are the most common way that someone expresses deceit when it comes to conversation. We look at each other’s faces most of the time, so it’s evident that is the first place we try to hide our feelings at.

A fake expression, like a social smile or stone face, can be used to hide true feelings, BUT they can’t hide the signs that give them away.

I’ll get into WHY they give false readings, and HOW we can use facial expressions to heighten our flirting!

Flirting Without Words, Part 6

Facial expressions play a major role in flirting, as I wrote in the last part of this article.

Now I’ll show you why people send out fake signals, and HOW to harness the ability of facial expressions to our advantage!

Why would be bother trying to look beneath the surface to figure out the person’s true intention? Well, at times a person feels they HAVE to hide their feelings.

Someone who is in a relationship, yet is flirting with another person, can put on a neutral face in order to seem harmless. Or an insecure person who doesn’t trust his feelings and doesn’t want to risk the odds and show his feelings. There are countless reasons to look below the surface.

Generally, the most commonly faked expression is a smile. In social situations, a smile might be faked to show that they are courteous, despite the fact that they do NOT want to speak with the person that is talking to them.

How do you spot a fake smile? It’s easy. Look at the eyes – do wrinkles appear around them? If yes, it’s usually genuine.

Is the smile even on both sides? If no, it’s another sign of a manufactured smile. Also watch for poorly timed smiles – ones that are held too long, or pop up late.

It just takes some time to get a firm idea of this.

As well, in a situation where one might be flirting, it’s the same principal – look at the clue, but pay attention to who is sending it. A very outgoing person might smile at you, but that could be their normal manner. A shy person smiling at you is a far better signal. Pay attention the person doing it.

For your own facial expressions, this is very important too. Some people are a bit put off if you aren’t close to matching their levels of expression – if you are too “stone faced” with a person who is very expressive, it can be frustrating, and vice versa.

If you work on it, you can match the level of expression they display.

As well, learning to use your face informatively is the best thing you can do in this manner. Allow it to show expression, then match the level of expression that the other person is giving off. So pay attention to how you are using your face!

You can nod, as stated above. Raising an eyebrow is also good to show surprise.

Basically, think about REACTING to what they are expressing. It will show interest, which is good!

In the next article, I’ll go over the role that our tactile sense plays in flirting!

Non Verbal Flirting, Part 3

In this chapter of the series about flirting, I’m going to cover a very overlooked portion of flirting that can make a HUGE impact on your success – your posture!

Most men have no idea that their posture can be powerful, and in that regard, tend to sabotage themselves. It’s even worse for them around girls!

Our posture, and the rest of our body language, can betray us even if we’ve done a great job controlling the emotions that we show with our faces.

The good news is, we can learn to spot, control, and even use your postural language in your favor!

Take a good look at your physical posture when speaking to a woman you are attracted to. Overall, if you are displaying that you are displaying tension, nervousness, or poor self esteem, it will come through.

She’ll notice this as well. And often, she’ll mirror it. What we display to others, they will reflect right back.

That’s good news! If you put some positive, strong body language out there, and display a confident posture, it will help her feel more comfortable, and she’ll find your company far more enjoyable too!

Still, she may not be open. To know if she is, here are a few signs to look for:

-Watch which way her body is turned. Is it towards you? That’s good; if it’s to the side, take a hard look to see if she’s preoccupied. This includes feet too – generally they lead, in fact.

-Is she leaned forward, or back? If forward, leaning towards you, that’s a great sign – you probably have her full attention. If backwards, and she seems distracted, she’ll possibly be bored. Especially if her head is in a hand.

-Is she posturally ‘open’ or ‘closed’? If open, she’ll have her arms unfolded, possibly leaning towards you, and legs won’t be crossed. If closed, it’s the opposite; arms folded, legs crossed, leaning back. You’ll want the former to be true.

-The really good signs, in culmination: leaning forward, fully focused, and possibly her head slightly tilted to one side. Step back for a moment and pay attention. If this is what is happening, then you are doing well.

Those are good indicators to see where her interest is. There are a few that are even better though, but they aren’t specific.

If she is “mirroring” you posturally, this is really GOOD. It shows a congruence between you and her; If you lead, she’ll probably follow. And don’t be surprised if you find yourself following her lead too.

What does this look like then?

You’ll have the same side of each other moving towards the other- so if you have your right shoulder forward, she’ll have her left, and vice versa.

This is a tremendous advantage to you – you can mirror her, without her knowing it, and she’ll see you more positively than if you didn’t!

There are also gender specific gestures that are common. Watch for her. Odds are, if you are comfortable, you’ll do these naturally, so don’t worry about yours in particular.

For her, watch for her trying to heighten the display of gender specific features, such as arching her back to show her breasts, or crossing and uncrossing her legs to show them.

The key, overall, is to pay attention and be aware of these signs. They will help you make better decisions when meeting women!

In the next part of this series, I’ll write about how your gestures effect the outcome of your approaches.

What Your Body Is Saying When You Flirt, Part 2

As promised, here is the second part of this. I’ll be writing an entire series on the subject of flirting.

In the last article in this series, I wrote about how eyes are integral to flirting. In this article, I’ll cover PROXIMITY and how it can effect your outcome!

So you’ve done the silent dance that takes place with her eyes and yours. She’s sent signals indicating she’s interested, and it’s time to move in.

So you move in, and immediately you start to wonder… “how close should I stand?”

That’s a good question.

The general answer is, to start: about 4 feet.

Why four feet?

In North America, that’s the standard safe distance. It’s about 2 small steps away. If you crowd into her immediately, she might get uncomfortable, and really quickly. And if you are paying attention, you’ll notice it as well.

In other countries, the distance varies. In the Mediterranean and Latin American countries, the distance is smaller. In Northern Europe and England, it’s wider.

You can test this next time you speak to a woman. Creep slowly closer too quickly, and watch her reaction. Her body language will start to show subtle shifts.

Eventually, however, you will move closer together. When is it time to do so? It’s whenever you start gaining a verbal rapport. She’ll loosen up, be playful, and you can start in with touching her. I always recommend paying attention to her body language.

The key is to see if she becomes more inviting. It will be obvious when she does, IF you are paying attention to the signs she’s giving you, and being objective about it. I’ll get more into body language at a later date, but I encourage you, in the meantime, to watch it closely, not only in your encounters, but the successful encounters you see out in the real world.

So what happens when you get too close? Again, the body language, along with her demeanor, will make this apparent. For example, if she folds her arms or legs, tightly, while facing your direction, that’s a really good warning sign.

If that happens, back off a bit. Take a half step back, straighten your posture, and watch how she reacts to you. She might loosen up a bit, and at that time, continue with the flirting, but ease into it.

Sometimes, when you get too close, she can become completely spooked. She’ll want to get away. If that happens, don’t worry, just chalk it up as a loss and move on to the next woman. It’s all part of the learning process.

Are there exceptions to the four foot rule? Absolutely. The first one has to do with location. If you are in a tightly packed bar, you can stand closer generally, as personal space has shrunk for everyone.

Other exceptions include alcohol usage (people’s personal space shrinks while drinking.), and the person’s social nature. An extrovert will have less issue with someone coming too close than an introvert. Just watch for the signs.

I advise playing with this concept to get a feel for it. Once you understand it, your flirting will be far smoother, and in turn, better!

Flirting Without Speaking, Part 3

In part of the series, I’ll cover how your POSTURE can make a HUGE impact on your success with women!

Most men have no idea that their posture can be powerful, and in that regard, tend to sabotage themselves. It’s even worse for them around girls!

Our posture, and the rest of our body language, can betray us even if we’ve done a great job controlling the emotions that we show with our faces.

The good news is, we can learn to spot, control, and even use your postural language in your favor!

Take a good look at your physical posture when speaking to a woman you are attracted to. Overall, if you are displaying that you are displaying tension, nervousness, or poor self esteem, it will come through.

She’ll notice this as well. And often, she’ll mirror it. What we display to others, they will reflect right back.

That’s good news! If you put some positive, strong body language out there, and display a confident posture, it will help her feel more comfortable, and she’ll find your company far more enjoyable too!

Still, she may not be open. To know if she is, here are a few signs to look for:

-Watch which way her body is turned. Is it towards you? That’s good; if it’s to the side, take a hard look to see if she’s preoccupied. This includes feet too – generally they lead, in fact.

-How is her body tilted? Forward or back? If she’s leaning forward, it’s a very good indicator of interest. If she’s backwards and her attention is sporadic, it’s possible that she is bored. This is particularly true if she puts her head in her hands.

-How is she holding the rest of her body? If she has her legs and/or arms crossed, and is leaning back, she’s posturally closed. If she is leaning forward, and her arms and legs aren’t folded tight, she’s open, and that is what you want.

-The good signs you want to focus on are: leaning forward, undistracted focus, and her head slightly tilted to a side. If these are happening, you are probably doing well.

Those are good indicators to see where her interest is. There are a few that are even better though, but they aren’t specific.

If she is “mirroring” you posturally, this is really GOOD. It shows a congruence between you and her; If you lead, she’ll probably follow. And don’t be surprised if you find yourself following her lead too.

What does this look like then?

You’ll have the same side of each other moving towards the other- so if you have your right shoulder forward, she’ll have her left, and vice versa.

This is a tremendous advantage to you – you can mirror her, without her knowing it, and she’ll see you more positively than if you didn’t!

There are also gender specific gestures that are common. Watch for her. Odds are, if you are comfortable, you’ll do these naturally, so don’t worry about yours in particular.

For her, watch for her trying to heighten the display of gender specific features, such as arching her back to show her breasts, or crossing and uncrossing her legs to show them.

The key, overall, is to pay attention and be aware of these signs. They will help you make better decisions when meeting women!

The next piece to add to this, in the upcoming article, are your gestures. They can have a dramatic effect on your success as well!

Flirting Without Speaking, Part 2

As promised, here is the second part of this. I’ll be writing an entire series on the subject of flirting.

Last article I wrote about how to use your eyes to flirt; in this one, I’ll show you the role of personal proximity in flirting, and just how important it can be.

So you’ve done the silent dance that takes place with her eyes and yours. She’s sent signals indicating she’s interested, and it’s time to move in.

So you move in, and immediately you start to wonder… “how close should I stand?”

That’s a good question.

The general answer is, to start: about 4 feet.

Why four feet?

It’s what has developed as a sort of standardized safe distance in North America. The distance is about 2 small steps away from her; get any closer and you might notice how uncomfortable she’ll get, if you pay attention.

Geographically speaking, the distance is shorter in southern coastal Europe and Latin America. In Northern Europe and England, it’s a bit further.

Test it out. Next time you are just starting to speak with a woman, move closer too soon. She might show some signs of being uncomfortable with it (more than likely she will). If you are too far away, however, she might even move closer to you! Just watch for subtle shifts.

Eventually, however, you will move closer together. When is it time to do so? It’s whenever you start gaining a verbal rapport. She’ll loosen up, be playful, and you can start in with touching her. I always recommend paying attention to her body language.

The key is to see if she becomes more inviting. It will be obvious when she does, IF you are paying attention to the signs she’s giving you, and being objective about it. I’ll get more into body language at a later date, but I encourage you, in the meantime, to watch it closely, not only in your encounters, but the successful encounters you see out in the real world.

So what happens when you get too close? Again, the body language, along with her demeanor, will make this apparent. For example, if she folds her arms or legs, tightly, while facing your direction, that’s a really good warning sign.

If that happens, back off a bit. Take a half step back, straighten your posture, and watch how she reacts to you. She might loosen up a bit, and at that time, continue with the flirting, but ease into it.

Sometimes, when you get too close, she can become completely spooked. She’ll want to get away. If that happens, don’t worry, just chalk it up as a loss and move on to the next woman. It’s all part of the learning process.

Are there exceptions to the four foot rule? Absolutely. The first one has to do with location. If you are in a tightly packed bar, you can stand closer generally, as personal space has shrunk for everyone.

There are other exceptions: the first being intoxication. If people around you are drunk, their personal space will shrink. Go to a packed bar while sober and you’ll notice this. The person’s social nature will have an effect too – an extrovert is less effected by someone creeping too close than an introvert is.

Work with the concept to see if you can get the hang of it. Once you do, you’ll be a better flirt!

Non Verbal Flirting, Part 1

Recently I wrote that verbal flirting is just a small portion of overall flirting.

And I meant it. Unfortunately, a good portion of men don’t understand this, and they blow it before they even speak to a woman.

So we need to make sure that doesn’t happen to you. Let’s take a look at some parts of the equation of flirting here.

Generally, flirting starts with eye contact.

So say you look at a girl, and she looks directly back at you. Wow, that can be uncomfortable huh? That depends entirely on you and how you feel about yourself.

If you feel good about yourself, then this is exhilarating. If that’s not the case, it can be really scary.

Let’s just say you are comfortable with yourself. The rush happens, and she holds the gaze a bit too long. This generally is a good sign.

If she doesn’t meet your gaze, then it probably means she’s not interested. Or, it could mean she’s very shy or insecure in her surroundings. Many people are intimidated by large clubs. She might be.

Observe her and see how she’s behaving towards other people. If she’s not meeting their gaze either, it could be once of the above issues.

Moving on, let’s see what the eye contact says. Does she break eye contact, then look again? That’s a good sign, but it doesn’t mean rush up to her immediately.

If she smiles, it’s even better.

Before you rush in and start looking for the signs, take some time to learn this process. Often, we’ll have the wrong of it when starting something new, as we have an idea of how these situations work, but don’t really know them. Take the time to learn about this.

Sometimes, you’ll get a full on stare and smile, but when you arrive, you’ll get a cold response. This is NOT your fault, so don’t think you did something wrong.

What happened there? I can’t say, but I can make an educated guess based on the surroundings. Sometimes women are incorrigible flirts who are actually in a relationship. They just like the thrill of flirting, and their men don’t mind. And so on and so forth.

Take a positive position with what you did. That’s the key to success throughout the flirting stage.

Once you reach the flirtee, you should initiate the conversation. You know she’s at least interested in speaking to you, so don’t worry about “blowing it”. That will only lead to a self fulfilling prophecy.

After the introduction, when you start to speak, there is an interaction between you and her that is natural, and is accepted almost universally. Once you begin speaking, eye contact will be broken by the speaker, looking back when it feels natural. Overall, when you are speaking, you’ll be looking at her half the time, give or take. Keep it short, as this is bantering, and gaze at her when you are done speaking. That’s the cue for her to talk.

At that point, she’ll more than likely respond the same way. Now, when she is speaking, glance at her more than you were while talking. This shows you are interested in what she is saying. Make the looks brief, but you should be looking at her about two thirds of the time while she’s talking.

Put your hours in, and practice doing this as often as possible. It can seem tedious, but once you get it you’ll have the eye contact game down pat, with a very different outlook on flirting!

Coming soon, I’ll have more articles to broaden your perspective of non verbal flirting. Thanks for reading!

Flirting Know How For Men

Several men I’ve met that aren’t naturals with women, have one thing in common. They do not understand flirting.

What is flirting anyhow? It’s basic social interaction, that allows us to show interest in a woman. And it opens the door for procreation.

Don’t laugh, just think about it… how did it come to pass that there are so many people on this planet?

It’s instinctive, but something is amiss for many men. There are social norms in regards to this that we’ll get into.

As well, we’ll look at approaches to flirting and how it can change the way we look at social interaction.

We essentially understand flirting in the negative, all too quickly. Say if you are dating a woman, and they flirt with another guy. I’d bet you’d notice that, right?

Let’s try flipping that around, shall we? If we can spot it WHILE during a positive encounter, it’ll serve us well.

With most of these details, I’ll write more in a later article. For now, here’s a few tips on what to focus on.

First, understand that flirting is only a tiny portion of what you say. The rest is how you say it, your posture, and your overall appearance.

Now, take a look at what you are doing in regards to this. Are you focusing on what you are going to say next? Work on focusing what is going on around you.

By tuning in to what they say, you’ll become aware of what is happening around you.

Next, understand the tools you have for flirting, aside from your voice. Your body language, and your eyes. They play a critical part in your flirting, more so than any words you’ll be speaking.

You should consider how the woman you are flirting with is reacting. Many men try to look too deep into this. Others don’t pay attention at all!

So what is the right thing to do? Try keeping it simple. Does she look tense, or nervous? Back off for a second and tune in to it. If she looks open, happy, and is interacting with you, then you are on your way.

Work on the basic ideas. Mastering them is critical and will make everything a lot easier for you in the long run!

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