Don’t Make Your Spouse Not Trust You – Avoid the Yes…But Habit!

There is a sure way for you to make your spouse not trust you, according to Dr. Joseph Melnick, creator of the Us Factor Marriage Program. The bad habit that people have is called “The Yes…But”. Here’s how it works: Someone starts out by saying something positive, but then they follow it up with something negative. Here are 2 examples:

“Honey, I really liked the way you paid the bills this month, but I like to pay the car payment before I pay the credit card bill.”

Here’s another: “You do such a good job helping the kids with their homework, but it would sure be nice if you didn’t work so much so you could be here every night”.

In these examples the second (negative) statement neutralizes the first (positive) statement, and it makes your partner feel manipulated, for good reason – they are! Before you know it, they will only hear the bad stuff, and the good stuff won’t even register any more, since they’re tuned in to your way of talking to them.

Another reason that people feel the need to use the “Yes…But” is because they think it’s best to start a difficult conversation with a positive statement, because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings:

“You’re really a good person, but I can’t live with you anymore”. Ouch!

Here’s something to try: If you need to have an uncomfortable discussion with your spouse, prepare the ground first. Ask them when they would be able and willing to sit down and discuss a concern you have. Don’t just spring it on them!

In order to make a relationship work, you need to separate the good from the bad, or they’ll get mixed up. If you like the way your spouse did something, tell them. “I really like how you arranged the living room furniture”. If you don’t like it, then say “I don’t really like the furniture this way. Can we sit down and talk about it?”

Giving examples is a good communication technique. You also want to take care not to shame or blame. Be kind, and use “I feel” statements, and you are much less likely to offend or start a fight. Most of all – don’t mix the good with the bad!